acronomy(n.): The study of celestial phenomena via the use of complicated acronyms (ie: what I do).

apathy(n.): An effect, most noticeable in the early evening, which causes large amounts of people to sit about and avoid doing the washing up. The effect is augmented by the presence of scientists with beards.

battlestar galactica diagram(n.): Any diagram with more axes than there are people in the room. Such a diagram is often impossible to draw in two dimensions, and is therefore split into three separate diagrams, all of which make no sense and may even be upside down or in the wrong order.

Bertha: A big machine in the eponymous childrens' TV series in the 1980s. Sometimes people think she's a dream.

bleugh: The sound made by people who have been hit on the head with a large pretend mallet.

Borg implant: a mobile phone.

buys far too many cards(v.): is perfectly normal.

byron: Any annoying character in a SF series on Channel 4 that everyone wants to see killed off.

colintentional drift: "Deliberate" (hmm) lack of a brake at the traffic lights.

controonerism(n.): A contracted Spoonerism.

croydon(n.): 1. The bright centre of the universe. 2. Not the bright centre of the universe.

cunningly-disguised podule(n.): A very fearsome thing indeed.

desnottification: nose-blowing.

elm tree(n.): place where extremely difficult trivia questions are asked each week. Grows only on treasure islands. Reputed to be large.

feep(n.): food and sleep, i.e. a Good Thing.

fish(n.): 1. I have nothing to say right now. 2. I would like to appear esoteric.

fortran(n.) A tool used to remind you how good BBC Basic was.

going foom(adj.): Exploding, or otherwise self-destructing in an impressive and special-effects intensive way.

honour the blade with your name(v.): Waste at least an hour playing Soulblade for no discernible reason.

in response: a phrase never used in conversation except by people who wish to appear extremely sad, or who aren't concentrating.

itchy tasty: overused phrase with no real meaning, which is probably for the best.

karmic ****(n.): Any person whose hair changes colour and/or style at least once a month, as long as the general effect is unimpressive, and is incapable of rational thought.

large(v.): what trees are.

Look At The Picture, It's Obvious: A phrase meaning "I am trying to explain something to you that I don't understand very well, haven't looked at for five years and am not particularly interested in. To hide this I will draw a complicated picture on the board and shade it in in an esoteric way. If at all possible I will use different colours of chalk so that you can't copy it properly." A favourite saying of Solid State Physics lecturers.

long .signature disease(n.): A sad affliction which, besides causing exponential growth of .sig files, also gives the carrier a tendency to sturt and drink beer. It may also cause confuzzion between fortran and Bertha.

mankilver(adj.): beyond the generally accepted limitations of "bad".

n: Some number, and I don't know what it is. As in "The answer is n, where n is the answer", and "I took my GCSEs in n".

non-Euclidean pool table(n.): 1. A useful tool for studying strange attractors and irritating people who are good at pool. 2. An excuse.

norman(n.): 1. person who does not work at the weekend. 2. person who stops working for no adequately explained reason.

on the train(adj.): using a mobile phone.

prixomity(um...): How far away you are from something.

rah-telepathy(n.): Using a mobile phone.

random number generator(n.): A function that returns a value determined by the time at which Channel 4 puts this week's Babylon 5 on.

satiated(adj.): Full of food, but not so much as to be bloated.

scarlet halibut(n.): Something that is so obviously a red herring, it is assumed to have great importance, but which actually turns out to have none.

shurplewort(n.): Controonerism of "wild purple shirt".

silly beard(n.): A useful attachment for storing your pen in.

simple cattle trader(n.): person only able to talk in an exaggerated accent.

skirm(v.):: To smirk backwards.

sonnet(n.): 2.8 unfunny limericks.

spod(v.): non-work use of a networked computer, in particular for email, IRC or posting to newsgroups. (n.): someone who spends a lot of time spodding.

squit(n.)(v.)1. A creature whose entire purpose is to be squashed. 2. To squash such a creature.

string(n.): The solution to nearly all the world's problems. It is possible to cure all known diseases, build a working fusion reactor, break Microsoft's monopoly or achieve lasting world peace entirely using string. Less trivial problems may require the application of double sided sticky tape, but that's it.

student loan(n.): A device designed to not quite pay all your rent and help the Government to be nice to people in marginal constituencies.

sturt(v.): Similar to "strut", except messier.

telapathy(n.): Direct neural communication of the benefits of doing very little.

travesty(n.): e.g., an "updated" cover of the song American Pie.

trees(n.): Things that are large.

trapdoor(n.): thing that should not be opened. Cause there's something down there...

trivial(adj.): Extremely difficult for everyone except the person talking.

tupiopoly(n.): The state of owning every 2 pence piece in the world. Since you always end up collecting 27p in penny change before having a single 2p, someone in the world must have a tupiopoly.

vi(n.): Death by obfuscated key combinations.

waiting for Neil(v.): wasting a large amount of time in any futile activity.

widget(n.): beer-overfrothing device.

zoider(n.): alcoholic drink brewed from apples.

zummerzet(n.): where zoider comes from.