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Coulthardballs

(This is an exact copy of the Balls which are also on Mike's homepage and on kepier.co.uk.)

Would you believe it, there are now well over 100 CoulthardBalls! The definition being (for the uninitiated), "Something someone, usually Richard, says, which is either (a) incredibly stupid or (b) incredibly dodgy or (c) both, as long as it is (d) unintentional, and (e) hopefully quite funny."

Mike: "I'm rampantly self-obsessed."
Richard: "What with?"

Andy: "Why don't you just lick the honey off it?"

Petra: "We're going to think about Christianity and sex."
Sam: "Thanks, I'll just stay at home and think about sex."

Colin: "Actually, getting these porn things off the net is a bastard to do..."

Richard: "Random acts of selfless violence."

Richard: "Stick your finger up Colin."

Nic: "It's not getting bigger very fast."

Colin: "I stopped when I realised that my hands were so cold I couldn't feel my nuts any more."

James: "I might go to the little whorehouse."

Richard: "You need your head shaved off."

Andy: "Michael, Colin will stand behind you and take care of you."

Chris: (to Col and Nic) "Do you share a room?"

Richard: "I often like to sit and fiddle with something."

Mike: (to Julie, of James, Andy & Richard) "You've got to satisfy the poor dears."

Julie: (of Andy) "I'm not taking it from him, it's not his room."

Smiley: "Can I have a squeeze?"
Richard: "I don't know, I've squozed (sic) lots."

Julie: "That's a bit brown for white bread."
Andy: "That's because it's not white."

Andy: "'It' is something that should be done to them, but only if they deserve it... they are the people it should be done to, if they deserve it."

Colin: "In that case I'd like to die wrapped in cellophane with an orange in my mouth - now that's unnatural!"

Sarah: (to Paul H) "You're laughing at your own girlfriend for being easy."

Richard: "Where's that noise coming from?"
James: "Paul & Sarah's room."

Colin: "You've got to go in sideways with Al."

Andy: (of Richard) "We practise. What else do you think we get up to in bed?"

Dan: "Writing with your pens poised."

Colin: "I fit in small spaces."

Richard: "Another of Tom's comments hits silence."

Andy: "Colin, Colin, stop playing with that poor little thing. It's been going up and down enough already."

Colin: "If I were ever to become a serial killer..."
Andy: "...the trouble is, you've got to work your way into being a hired killer."

Mike: "Oooh, a nice long one."

Paul H: "I hate staring at men's groins."

Colin: (to Nic) "The last time you got stuck I couldn't move for a day."

Andy: "I've got to bend down; you're the right height though."

Nic: "You attack me, lie me down on the bed, and then expect me to call a truce?"

Colin: "I was going for Richard's arse."

Andy: (to Paul) "Nice legs."
Paul H: "Mmm... I haven't changed them today."

Sam: "I bet I end up with little girls - that'd really p**s me off."
Colin: "Oh, I'll 'ave 'em!"

Nic: (to Col, in bed) "Cor, ten inches!"

Nic: "That's what you picked me for - my brains... duh!"

Smiley: "You're looking very black today - have you died?"

Richard: "I'm not sucking his brain, I'm unscrewing it with a tin-opener."

Sarah: "I'm so disappointing!"

Sarah: (to Paul) "Say you want some more and then you can give it to me."

Richard: (to Andy, in bed) "Just stick your head under the duvet and blow."

Tom: "I was up till one o'clock last night sticking things in and out."

Andy: "It takes special neck exercises to keep it up."

Col: "No trousers off before meals."

Neil: (to Mike) "Oh mum..."

Laura: "Don't forget, we've got to go to the cathedral to see the naked man."

Mike: "I've got some c*nt up my arse."

Andy: "Take your clothes off, Neil."

Andy: "It's not as good as smelling your oils last night... that came out wrong, didn't it?"

Neil: "I prefer to flap it all over the desk."

Richard: (to Neil) "I'll prod you up your bottom with your pencil."

Andy: (of Alina) "She's putting hooks up so she can mount me on the wall."

Col: "My showers are between me, the shower and Nic left wide open."

Richard: "The first one to get a hump wins."

Tom: "The enormity of it is just coming home."

Richard: "I just thought I'd insert it coz it seemed right."

Richard: "Oh it's going in isn't it Mike?"

Paul T: "I'm going to need a couple inside of me."

Richard: "We'll have to open his mouth very wide and stuff them in individually."

Alina: "I'm going to do a tour of all the bedrooms."

Richard: "I just splurt it out, it just seems to happen."

Andy: "You can probably wangle something in bed."

David: "I think I'll buy a chisel today, I'm too hot."

Neil: "Graham, how do you want it?"
Tom: "Straight up, with a twist?"
Mike: "I was going to say that, but I had my mouth full..."
Tom: "Go on, get it out!"

Neil: "I wonder if we can get Michael to come regularly?"

Richard: "Ask not what you can do for your country, but what your country can do for your arsehole."

Neil: "If you've got less balls than your opponent then you should change colour."

Neil: "Well, I'm slowly going up."

Tom: "Rich, I've got it if you want it."

Alina: (looking down at stain on her shirt) "Good God, where did that come from?"
Andy: "That was me."

Alina: (re. women on Andy's Mr Men and Frogs Page) "What were their names?"
Colin: "I don't think they had any, but it wasn't really that I was looking at..."

Paul T: "It doesn't work, I haven't got enough suction."

Rich: "You can't move that chair... well, you can, you just have to move it."

Rich: "That requires effort: we'd have to make sure we didn't hit anything while we were screwing."

Alina: (to Andy) "Look, I only need to blow you off."

Nic: (to Col) "Can I come in your boots? Because then I'd be warmer."

Alina: "You could either suck it all out or let it drip."

Mike: "Wow, I was sucking so hard, it just collapsed."

Colin: "Trevelyan choir is a non-singing choir."

Andy: "I don't eat lunches, so I only get it out most evenings."

Rich: "The door's shut, so you can run through it."

David: "My bottom's cracking."
Rich: "Well, you've got a cracking bottom, haven't you?"

David: "Could I have a bender, please?"

Neil: "I thought that Tuesday was Monday, and Tuesday was Wednesday."

Mike: (to Neil) "I'm sure you'll find someone who'll pay for a good one."

Mike: "But they do make some very nice Neils when they cook."

Tom: "When was Quality of Mercy?"
Col: "When the BBC showed it it was the one before Clitoris."

Neil: "I want it round the back."

Rich: "There's no actual proof that 1 + 1 = 2, or that 2 + 2 = 3."

Andy: "We'll start going down when Tom's coming up."
Tom: "That sounds unpleasant, or perhaps it might be pleasant, I don't know."

Andy: (to Mike) "Are you offering me one?"
Mike: "No, I'm just holding it in front of you."

Andy: "Sadly I can't walk around and shoot in little furry animals."

Mike: "I need to do Alina."

Nic: "I'm sure the lads will ply you with fluids."

Col: "I'm knackered: I went to lie on Nic's bed this afternoon and went to sleep for 2 hours."
Tom: "Yes, I do that all the time."

Col: "And the Minbari realise, "Oh f*ck, arseholes are being reborn as humans.""

Col: "Neil, in words of one syllable or less, can you explain that?"

Alina: "I just stuck it in my tube and came."
Editor's Note: I'm considering giving this bonus points as being the most ridiculous one I've heard for quite some time.

Lorna: (to David) "Do you fancy a Greek?"

Nic: (of her ex and his whip) "He used to get it out of the wardrobe and chase me around the room with it while I was shouting, "Put that huge thing away!""

Dan: "Mike, who has an appendage for every orifice."

Nic: (to Colin) "I'm not touching your hand, it's too close to that yellow stain."

Rich: "I put it in my mouth but it was so slippy it came out again."

Rich: "Please, don't let it hang any lower, Neil"

Rich: "How's this for a bouncing-around thing?"

Graham: "Hang on, isn't that a blue smell?"

Alina: "I just like trying on other people's clothes."

Andy: (to Tom, of Neil) "Just give it to him with my love."

Nic: (of Graham) "You've got a bulge in the shape of a sausage. Well, he has, it's sticking out of his mouth."

Dan: "What would it take to make you come?"
Nic: "It'd take more than seven men to make me come."

Tom: "Me and Colin have got to cook the kitchen."

Neil: "I shouldn't go back into college next year, I won't be witness to any interesting conversations.... except for ones about physics."

Alina: "I didn't realise this hole was quite so big."
Rich: "Stop sticking your finger in it and it'll be fine."

Andy: "I'm going to make it larger, not that it was that big to start with."

Mike: (of Rich's weapon) "It's shooting from between his legs."

Sam: (to Simon) "Do you want to come to my room later, I'll give it to you then." Mike: "I think I could get it to flop slightly."

Nic: "My legs have no compassion for your head."

Neil: "I could hear the bass very loud, hardly any music, and Dave straining away."

Andy: "But you didn't kill him because he might be useful to come in later."

Neil: "...slipping all over me."
Alina: "Oh dear, it's getting quite huge."

Rich: "They're blocking the tubes you spend most of your time shooting up."

Alina: "They just fire off and can shoot up to ten metres."

Alina: (of a long-haired, bearded physicist who lives at Kepier Lodge) "If he shaved his beard off he'd be a girl."

Rich: "I don't think a Full Monty would fit in my mouth."

Alina: "Your hair looks odd - it's like you slept on top of your head."

Mark: (to Neil) "You've had him before, haven't you?"

Col: "Here, have some of this, Alina, as I've been nibbling yours."

Dan: (of Alina's tongue) "I bet that comes in 'andy."

Alina: "Who are we waiting for?"
Rich: "Graham."
Alina: "Is that the one with the round balls?"

Rich: "My spell was cramped by not having a second blue mountain."

Andy: "James is a one man woman."

Paul Bewley: "Providing it involves a tractor, I'll do it."

Alina: "Do it in the shower, it'll rinse away."

Alina: "OK, I faked a few."

Andy: "Mine goes down." Col: "Mine gets f*cked on one side."

Tom: "I'm looking forward to getting back into Sophitia again."

Alina: "I think my hair's grown, I've just got it stuck in my beard."

Andy: "That's something you should do in a group."
Alina: "What's that?"
Andy: "Indians."

Neil: (to Dave) "Take it however you want."

Rich: (talking about checking the sex of a wasp) "You just lift up his skirts and have a look."

Neil (master of indecision): "What's Apathy?"

Rich: "I was hoping to do this and just carry on sucking."

Mike: (to Neil) "Tom probably projected himself into you."

Neil: "Is pork meat or poultry?"
Dan: "Does it come from a bird?"

Colin: "...the Cygnus Alpha Penis colony."

Colin: "Sorry, did someone talk about oral sex? ...I had my usual problem anyway."

Alina: (to Neil) "Can I insert my finger in your coil?"

Nic: "Colin's is small, pink and rattles."

Rich, Mike, Tom: "Is it stiff, Graham?"

How many?

Richard (he of the Coulthard) 31

Andy (Mr. Jones) 24

Colin (Seedy Wilson) 20

Alina (Mrs. Jones, one might say) 14
Neil (he of the "beard") 14

Mike (oh, that'll be me then. I would have more, but my mind works too fast..) 13

Nic (who remains nameless for legal reasons) 11

Tom (that's York, not Joyce for those who may be confused) 9

Dan (who is deservedly climbing up the ranks) 5

Sam (he of the 20k a year job) 3
Sarah (who is now in France or generally elsewhere) 3

David (who really should have more than 2 balls...) 2
James (who is far too pure and innocent to have as many as 2!) 2
Julie (who nobody seems to see very much anymore) 2
Paul (of the Holdforth variety) 2
Paul (of the psychotic Taylor variety) 2
Mike (of the Smiley variety) 2

Chris (CNS) 1
Graham (who after 2 years and a term of collating has finally got in) 1
Laura (whose only vice is liking naked men) 1
Lorna (who really, really should have far more than this) 1
Mark (Dave's ex-blerk) 1
Paul Bewley (landord of Friends Providential and Kepier) 1
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Total 136